Can we kiss? Can we have sleep overs? Is oral sex allowed? What exactly can we do?
These are just a few of the questions my husband and I often get asked from the Young Adults we lead at Uprising - the Young Adult movement at Cornerstone Church of San Diego. These questions are all too familiar because when I first left the Adult Film Industry and wanted to pursue sexual purity, I had the same questions. How far is too far?
Personally, I believe anything beyond kissing is too far. However, kissing might be too far for some. The real question is, "Where is your heart?" If you hold hands with your partner and all you can think about is sex, then you've gone too far. Remember, God always looks at the heart. It is not about a list of cans or cant’s. With God, it is always about keeping your heart pure and your hands clean.
As a rule of thumb, if you question whether it’s okay, then it probably isn’t. Remember, the less you do when dating, the more you have to look forward to when married. My husband and I felt like kids in a candy store on our wedding night. We stayed sexually pure and had never slept in the same bed overnight. Our wedding night was full of excitement because everything was new to us. I pray this experience over everyone. I know what it’s like to sleep with & live with someone before marriage; and I can tell you that God’s way is the best way. When you do it God’s way you learn to fall in love with your partner’s mind, heart and soul. Sex cannot sustain a relationship, but true love can.
“Above all else, guard your heart.” – Proverbs 4:23
When you protect your purity, you guard your heart. Sexual intimacy before marriage leads to trust issues, insecurity, and self-doubt. Because when we are not submitted to God then we are submitted to the enemy and nothing good ever comes from our enemy.
I encourage you to pray and ask God to guide you in your relationship because the levels of affection are different for everyone. Is holding hands too much for you? Is Kissing too much for you? Only you and God know the answer to that and don’t be ashamed if it is. I would rather you humble yourself and admit that you have a lust problem than to pretend like everything is ok. God will grace your humility, but He will resist your pride. Also, if you want stability in your road to purity then you need accountability as well. Ask someone to hold you accountable. Sexual purity is not easy, but it is possible.
To find the strength that you need to stay pure you need daily encounters with Jesus. Without Him, we become religious, prideful, and self-destructive. It means nothing to be “physically pure” if we are not internally pure.
I hope this blog helps. Please use wisdom when dating. God sets boundaries for us to protect us not to punish us. Guard your heart and protect your purity. One day, you’ll be married and you & your partner can do what you please, until then stay faithful as God continues to write your love story.