When I was 16 years old I decided to go on a diet with a friend. 110 LBS was our goal weight. When we reached that, she stopped. I on the other hand couldn’t. I became obsessed with losing weight and developed anorexia nervosa.
Some people think it’s about being skinny, but it’s not. I heard a profound quote the other day that sums up anorexia in a nutshell.
“When the exercise and rituals kick in and the cyclical thoughts about weight take over, everything else goes away. And starving yourself can make you feel euphoric like a drug addict or an alcoholic. It is not about being thin enough. There is no thin enough. It doesn’t exist. What you crave is the numbing of things that you don’t want to feel.” – To the Bone | A Netflix Original.
Anorexia became my outward cry for inward help. I was so bruised emotionally that anorexia became an escape for me. I was so consumed with counting calories and obsessing over my weight that I “forgot” about how heartbroken and rejected I felt.
Every human being needs to feel accepted, loved, and affirmed. It is the root of our very existence. We as humans crave this and without it we will feel lost. If you don’t feel accepted then you must feel rejected, if you don’t feel loved then you must feel unloved or unlovable, and if you don’t feel affirmed then you must feel denied. I did not feel accepted, loved, or affirmed. Therefore, I was lost, hurt, and deeply broken. Anorexia numbed this pain.
I went through a series of inpatient and outpatient treatments, but none of this worked for me. At 18 years old, I was on my own. I quit all treatment and found myself in the Adult Film Industry where at times I was so emaciated certain companies refused to hire me. Anorexia was an ongoing battle for me.
At 26 the battle finally ended when I met Jesus, my Lord and my Savior. He healed my broken heart, He accepts me, He loves me, and He affirms me. He brought me true freedom. Since encountering God almost 5 years ago, I have never been the same. I have so much joy and no one can take that away from me. I have so much confidence and no one can make me feel insecure. I am healed and have been set free from this treacherous disease because of Jesus Christ.
If you or someone you know is battling an eating disorder I am here for you, I am praying for you, and if you have any questions I will do my best to answer them for you. My parents and I tried everything to rid me of this disease, but nothing worked except for Jesus. Anorexia is a very loud cry that a heart and soul are deeply wounded. Love is always the answer for a broken heart; and despite what you may have heard about God, He is all love and light. He is the only one that can bring forth the healing that is needed to kill this disease at the root.
You Are So Loved,
Brittni De La Mora