I battled with suicidal thoughts since my pre-teens. I used to cry myself to sleep wondering why I was born. I truly thought suicide was the answer to my problems. Little did I know; I was completely wrong. Suicide is never the answer, but I wouldn’t discover that until my mid-twenties. I often wonder where my soul would have gone had I gone through with it.
People that have never had a suicidal thought in their life must wonder what could possess someone into thinking such thoughts. In many cases these thoughts come from a deep place of pain with a lack of understanding. Pain without understanding will make one’s mind run wild. I didn’t understand the meaning of life. I didn’t understand the purpose of my existence and I certainly did not understand my pain. I also didn’t understand that despite what I felt I was deeply loved. Love seemed unbelievable at one point in my life. It is hard to imagine love when you hate yourself. So naturally, ending my life seemed like the logical answer. This was The Battle Within.
Oddly enough, almost every time I tried to take my life, I would panic. I remember overdosing on a prescription sleeping aid, but before I passed out I called 911 and said, “I was trying to kill myself, but I changed my mind. I don’t want to die anymore. Please, save me.”
This wasn’t the first time I’ve said those 3 words. I recently found a journal entry of mine from 2006 that said, “Jesus, Buddha, or God, whichever one of you is real, please save me.”
After many more failed suicide attempts, God saved me; in 2012 when I reaccepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and surrendered my life to Him. Because of Him I now understand my pain and my adversaries. ‘What was intended to harm me, God intended for good. He has brought me to this position so that I could save the lives of many people.’ God has given my pain purpose and I am so thankful that I failed in taking my life.
If you’re reading this today, your pain has a purpose. You are not a mistake. God has created you on purpose for a great purpose. Suicide is not the answer. Your life is meant to be so much more than what it currently is. If you will surrender your life to God then you will understand the meaning of life and how truly loved you are.
If you want God to rescue you as He has done for me please pray this prayer,
“Father, I believe you sent your son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and to heal me of my pain. Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I pray that you would save me from myself, give me strength to live & not die and lead me into a prosperous life that overflows with you love, grace and understanding. Give me a great purpose in life and let me help those in need. I believe that my life is much greater than myself, Amen.”
I would now like to encourage you to find a good Bible based Church so that you may continue your faith filled journey with God. If you need any help, prayer, or have any questions please message me.
You Are Loved!
Brittni De La Mora