After much request, it has taken me time to produce this blog. I did not want to just write anything and honestly, I’ve been at loss for words. Any woman who was hurt enough to follow through with suicide deserves a well thought out piece. Her death came to much surprise to many as it followed the death of another Adult Star, Shyla Stylez. I was friends with Shyla while in the industry and was devastated to hear this news. Shyla was a woman who could talk to anyone. She always knew how to make people laugh. I loved her dearly and am so sorry for her loss. Then to find out that August intentionally took her life shattered my heart.
I can only imagine the thoughts that must have been racing through her mind just minutes before she took her life. The fact that suicide was the answer for her says that she had no hope. She had lost hope of a better future and was stuck in a moment of life. I have been there. Losing hope is a dangerous place to be in life. This tragedy also tells me that she must not have had a vision in life, because we perish without a vision. If you don’t know where you’re going in life, then does your life have a purpose? I believe that every life has a purpose. August’s life had purpose. However, it is up to us to discover what our purpose in life is. I have found this challenging for most to understand what they are created for if they don’t have a relationship with the one who created them.
For many years, even prior to becoming a Porn Star, I had no idea how worthy and valuable I was as a woman. I was a lost soul searching for love in all the wrong places. For several years, I used to take GHB just to sleep the days away because I couldn’t bare the pain of depression. After encountering years of heartbreak, I decided that my life on earth was finished. I thought that life would be better without me in it, and that if I could take my life I would no longer have to feel the pain that was in my heart. I tried to overdose several times, but my attempts were unsuccessful.
I am not sure what kind of thoughts you were expecting to hear from me, but even as I type this, I am at a loss for words. I wish I could have had a conversation with August. I would have spoken hope, love and encouragement over her life. I would have reminded her that pain doesn’t last forever. I would have told her that even her pain has a purpose and that she can and will get through this. I would have told her that if she could just fight through, there is a God who has a great plan and purpose for her life and He so desperately wants to reveal it to her. I wish I could have been there for her.
I read about much of the online bullying she endured and it sickens me that people can be so mean. I don’t blame one instance for anybody’s suicide, but because I’ve been in a deep state of depression, I know the attack she received didn’t help. We need to think twice about the way we treat people. You never know what someone may be going through. Please, understand that your words have the power to make or break someone.
Today, I pray that we would be people who edify others. That we would speak and show love to those in need. Just because you don’t agree with someone doesn’t give you the right to bash them for it. Like the old saying goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” There is another saying that says, “Hurting people will hurt people.” If you can’t find it in your heart to love people and to be kind to them, then I encourage you to search within your own heart to discover why. Who hurt you in life? Who haven’t you forgiven? If we don’t learn to release forgiveness to those whom have hurt us, our hurt will ruin every relationship we enter. Our hurt will never allow us to live a fulfilled life.
We also need to have selective hearing. There will always be critics and naysayers. We have to learn to be led by the right voices. Just because somebody speaks, doesn't mean you have to listen. When I transitioned out of the industry, I paid no mind to what others had to say. I encourage you to do the same. Don't allow people to bully you. The best response to these types of critics, is no response at all. You are so valuable, you don't need to spend one second of your time defending yourself. Let them think what they want. Brush your shoulders off and keep looking forward.
If you battle depression or suicidal thoughts, it’s important that you talk to someone. Do not isolate. If you isolate, you’ll end up alone with your own thoughts. You need to surround yourself with people who can encourage you out of the pit that you are currently in. The only thing that saved me from myself was when I began going to Church. I was surrounded by people who spoke faith over me and prayed with me. They lent me their faith until I could find my own. I discovered my own faith and found true love through daily prayer and through reading the Bible. Take it from someone who at one point wanted nothing more than to die, suicide is not the answer. If you press through and seek God, He will turn your life around. There is light at the end of this very dark tunnel, don’t give up.
If you feel like you are alone in life and have nobody to turn to, send me an email. I am here for you. I will lend you my faith and encourage you the best I can.
Brittni De La Mora